


caught up in the wonderings of our minds

by Cadensaurus (orphan_account)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Cybersex, First Time, M/M, fetus!dan, fetus!phil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-27
Updated: 2015-11-27
Packaged: 2018-05-03 14:00:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5293805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Cadensaurus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Dan comes to realise that he's not straight and Phil guides him through some new experiences and in which Phil falls in love for the first time (aka 2009!phan with hopefully accurate timeline)</p>
            </blockquote>





	caught up in the wonderings of our minds

**Author's Note:**

> so @dizzy prompted me to write "first time phan where phil has been with guys but dan’s 18 and thought he was straight (until those pesky wet dreams about phil started happening) so he’s never done anything with a guy before (over skype with phil narrating or first time in person, YOUR CHOICE)" and I proceeded to take that concept and turn it into a fic that was 30 pages long, so take that as you will. Also this was supposed to have Dan fingering himself on Skype but that ended up not making it in the fic whoops.

They've been talking for about three hours and it's closing in on close to eleven when Phil brings up the subject.

He's pretty sure he's read Dan right. Sure, Dan's just broken up with his girlfriend of three years less than a week ago. Dan's still kind of broken up about that. But Phil thinks that Dan's been flirting with him and has been even before he broke up with his girlfriend.

I mean, Dan's outright said _I think I have a crush on you_ on Twitter, hasn't he? And sure, maybe he's joking, maybe he's being facetious but maybe he's not. Phil's been eighteen and where Dan is.

Well – he'd been almost seventeen and having his first crush on a guy, some bloke named Kelsey of all things, and Kelsey had gotten shit for having a 'girl' name, for being out and gay, with long hair that was somewhere between wavy and curly, falling past his jaw, usually half-tied back and there was a defiant fire in his eyes and a sharp line to his jaw and Phil had seen it, taken it in, and for whatever reason, had seen it and deemed it good and found his breath taken away whenever Kelsey strode down the hallways of his high school.

Nothing had come of it, because he'd never gotten the nerve to ask Kelsey anything about himself, let alone out on a date, and he wouldn't have had the guts at that point in time. It was his coming of age, in a way.

Finding out you're bisexual is a hell of a thing to come to terms with when you're busy trying to make sure you pass your finals. In fact, Phil had been nineteen when his first time with a guy had occurred, in university, breathless kissing of a friend of his, Mark, coming out of a pub, then into a cab back to Phil's room, tumbling onto the bed where Mark had pushed off Phil's jacket and Phil had pushed his fingers through Mark's hair – long – perhaps an unconscious reminder of his first crush with Kelsey, and sighed out a noise of need.

Mark had been his first – not for actual full-blown sex, but their first night together, they'd jerked each other off and then the morning after, Mark had woken up Phil with a blowjob, reassured Phil that he didn't need to reciprocate and Phil hadn't, not for another week, when he'd finally gotten the guts.

It hadn't lasted, a heated fling when Mark found someone else, more experienced and willing to move faster and it had left Phil not quite burnt but erring on the side of caution for the future, until Ian had come along.

Ian had been incredible – he'd been beautiful, wide hazel eyes and full lips, perfectly cut and styled hair and Phil hadn't a clue what Ian had seen in him, but Ian had seen something and been the one to make the first move, and Ian had been his first boyfriend. They'd gone on dates and played footsie under the table and held hands in private and then in public and Phil had sucked down his breath when people looked, told himself it was okay, and Ian had squeezed, held on tight, helped him through it.

Ian had been his first for actual sex. He'd let Phil take him the first time, let Phil learn how to fuck someone in a whole new way, and then when Phil had been comfortable with it, he'd sunk inside Phil and made him feel new things he didn't think he'd ever have felt, where his breath had left his body with a hard exhale and he'd thought he was breaking apart and his brain was overloaded, and in the aftermath, he'd only been able to think how incredible it was.

They'd dated for a good five months and they'd only broken up because, well, just differences that were too much, and they'd left on good terms, and in the interim between then and now, a little over a year and a quarter, Phil hasn't really seen anybody long term and definitely not male.

He's flirted with both girls and guys now that he's more confident in himself, on occasion. He's gone on a couple of dates. He's sort of had a second boyfriend, maybe, in Charlie, but even that was hard to define. But nothing major.

Still, Phil remembers that his first crush started because of the fire in Kelsey's eyes when people called him out and he thinks about Dan telling him how his friends haven't supported him and his friendship with Phil that's developing, the way he sets his jaw and says, “Fuck them, they don't get it, you get it, right, Phil?” and yeah, Phil gets it, of course he gets it, and he sees fire in Dan's eyes and maybe he's falling again.

Except Dan is so young – he's barely eighteen, he's fresh out of a relationship, he's straight (as far as he's claimed), and Phil's got life experience on him. Phil's wondering about the straight aspect of this all because of how Dan tweets to him, the way Dan blushes – it's hard to tell on Skype but Phil thinks he can read Dan well enough now that when Dan looks away and stares at points under his desk or off to the side, that's blushing – when Phil stares at him too long, with too much interest, he wonders.

So he brings it up. “Dan,” Phil asks, casually, even though his heart is pounding because he's pretty sure he's in the early stages of developing a crush and he's wondering just how this conversation might go if he's wrong, “Have you ever....” he falters, pauses.

_Have you ever considered you're bisexual?_

No, that's not how to approach this. “Did you know that I'm not straight?”

It's never easy, coming out. Not a lot of people know. But Dan respects Phil and Dan means something to Phil already and Phil, if he's going to push Dan's boundaries, thinks Dan deserves to know.

Dan, who was about to say something, shuts his mouth and watches Phil. He fiddles with his hair, plays with the strings of his hoodie, looks away – not blushing, just not sure of what to say, Phil supposes – takes a sip of water from the glass next to him.

Finally Dan speaks. “No, I didn't.”

Phil waits, quiet. Dan doesn't say anything else and so Phil changes the topic to music, to Muse, something they've talked at length about but never fails to be a topic of interest.

 

Dan brings it up next time. It was what Phil was waiting for. Dan says, “I had a dream about you last night,” and he's laughing shakily, the nervous laughter of someone who doesn't want to breach the topic, but he's saying it, and that means he's expecting Phil to push.

So Phil pushes gently. “You did? Tell me about it, I want to know how your brain works.” He's offering a sort of subtle compliment to Dan at the same time – wanting to encourage Dan to open up and let him know that Phil's interested in him in some way – and he hopes it'll soothe Dan enough to settle him a little.

“We were at a carnival,” Dan says. “With those floating rubber ducks that you have to catch with the fish hook, right?”

“I'm terrible at those, just saying,” Phil comments. “I'm terrible at any skill that requires coordination, especially through some kind of medium like fish hooks or magnets or anything like that.”

“Well, we were there, and you plucked the duck that had the grand prize and you picked out a big stuffed dog for me, a Dalmation,” Dan says. “You gave me this big soft Dalmation prize and told me I was your favourite.”

Phil smiles at Dan. “You're fast becoming that, indeed.”

Dan fiddles with his fringe, staring away from the screen. “You too, Phil,” he comments. “I mean, I know I commented a lot on your videos and tweeted you but now that we're talking, it's like a whole new Phil to experience.”

“Is it to your liking?” Phil jokes gently.

“I like it, yeah,” and Dan tosses his head, tosses his fringe away from his eyes. He meets Phil's eyes. “I think...”

“Yeah?” Phil asks.

Dan doesn't finish his sentence.

A silence hangs between them for a minute, long. Dan stares between Phil and his hands, chewing his lip. Phil waits for whatever might come and when it becomes apparent that it's not coming, he changes the topic, for Dan's sake because Dan is clearly not ready to finish whatever his sentence might have been.

 

Dan's drunk. It's half past two in the morning and he's woken up Phil with texts, inundating him with chiming noise one after another for, like, fifteen minutes straight.

_hey_

_hey u up_

_phil im tipsy talk to me_

_okay im not tipsy im probably drunk but i miss u_

_pls get on skype_

_i just got back from anight out with friends and i wanna talk to u_

_pls <3_

It had been the little heart that had done Phil in and he'd sat upright in his bed, exhausted, yawning, ruffling his hair with his fingers away from his face and hit the button on his laptop.

Dan's on him in an instant, before Phil's even woken up fully, calling, and Phil answers more out of reflex than anything. He's shirtless and Dan, whose eyes are wide and mouth is open in “Phil!” as a greeting, stops suddenly mid-greeting and goes quiet.

“Morning, Dan,” Phil yawns. He's half-asleep but at the same time, he's wide-awake, brain telling him to keep an eye on Dan's response to his shirtlessness. After all, he's pretty sure he's reading Dan right and this is what he's waiting on.

They've never chatted like this before. There's always been full clothing. Right now, Phil's just wearing boxer-briefs and although Dan doesn't know that, he can certainly see Phil's lack of top, the way his collar bones protrude just so, shoulders hunched forward slightly.

“Did you want to get dressed?” Dan asks. “I'm sorry, I called you so suddenly.”

“It's fine, Dan,” Phil says, propping his chin up in his palm, watching Dan intently. Dan blushes and squirms and fidgets and does everything he can to avoid Phil's gaze and Phil could change the topic, he could fix things, but he doesn't.

He thinks maybe now is when it's time to force Dan to talk. So he waits it out until Dan lifts his eyes again.

“I think,” and Dan's voice is soft. “I was stupid to call,” and it's a separate statement of its own, not a continuation of the first bit.

“No, you weren't,” Phil assuages him. “What's up?” He's a little more awake now, the pale light of Dan's laptop in the dark making him look almost like he's tinged blue.

“How...” Dan trails off again. His eyes stare at Phil hazily. “I've had, like, five vodka tonics, I'm really fucked up,” he laughs weakly.

“How what, Dan?” Phil presses.

Dan shakes his head and his smile faces from his face. “How'd you – it's stupid, probably, never mind.”

“No, not never mind, I want to know what's on your mind,” Phil encourages him. He's tired and at the same time, he can't resist Dan, even when he should be sleeping.

“You won't judge? You have to promise me that you're not going to judge,” Dan begs. His eyebrows are furrowed and tight, eyes wide, mouth curled down in just a hint of a frown, forehead wrinkled up.

“Won't judge you, bear.” Phil tells him. He's started using that little private nickname that Dan's confessed to him, that his mum and brother call him that when they're being especially sweet to him.

“Bear,” Dan says softly. “Why'd you call me that?”

“Because it's your – um. It's your sweet nickname, right? It's all intimate and I thought maybe you'd feel safer telling me whatever you want to say?” Phil offers.

“Who says I need to feel safe?” Dan's voice is just edged sharp. Phil blinks a few times.

“I didn't mean to – I mean, Dan, just ...” Phil's trying to find words to apologise when Dan does first.

“No, I'm – you didn't say anything wrong, you didn't do anything wrong, I'm scared is all.”

“Scared of?” Phil encourages. Dan toddles his head a bit and chews his lip, looks abstractly off away from the camera, looking upset and almost like he's going to cry, almost angry.

“I don't think I'm straight,” Dan whispers. It's barely audible over the call.

Phil doesn't nod. He doesn't say, _is that all?_ like he wants, because he's suspected. He says, gently, “Oh.” Simply that. “Okay.”

“Shouldn't I have figured that out by now?” Dan asks, almost angry now. “I'm eighteen, for fucks sake.”

Phil shrugs. “I was seventeen. Even then, I'm like – it's not even half and half, I'm more interested in girls than guys, so maybe you're the same. Maybe it's just a select few.”

He hesitates. “Who's the lucky guy?” He asks.

Dan sucks his lower lip in between his teeth and shakes his head. “No. Not ready for that yet.”

Phil wonders even more now. He wants to ask, _is it me?_ He wants to know because his crush on Dan has cemented home, soft enough that it won't be devastating if it's not but strong enough that he'll feel the heat flare within him if it is.

“No names?” Phil says, supportive as he can be, because he's got a few years on Dan in this regard and he knows that what Dan needs is support. “Just admitting it right now?”

“Yeah, I guess,” Dan looks at him and Phil watches as a visible shiver passes over Dan. “No judgements?”

“Never judging you for something like that, Dan,” Phil promises him. “What else did you want to talk about?”

“Dunno. I just wanted to see your face before I went to bed, I think,” Dan murmurs. He lifts a hand and swipes hazily at his eyes. “So tired.”

“Five minutes in and you want to hang up on me?” Phil chides Dan. “When you woke me up from a sound sleep?”

“Do you hate me?” Dan asks. He offers Phil a tired smile. Phil returns the smile with nothing but kindness.

“How could I ever hate you? You're one of my favourites, remember? I'd wake up from a sound sleep if you wanted me to any time,” and Phil might be crushing and speaking from the early stages of infatuation but right now it's the truth and he watches as Dan's eyes crinkle as he smiles, a real smile that pulls Phil's heart until it aches inside him.

He wants to kiss Dan.

He realises, right then, that he can't let Dan go without making it at least somewhat clear that Phil likes him, that if Dan is even remotely interested in him, he's only brave enough to say it because of the liquor coursing through his veins and he won't bring it up again unless he has a good reason to.

Phil wants to give him a good reason to.

“I could kiss you when you look like you do now.” Phil breathes out. Dan is soft and sweet and young and blindingly beautiful in that stage between awkward and maturing and it's true. He could kiss Dan until Dan melted if he had the chance.

Dan is wordless, mouth open, eyes wide. Phil hopes to god that the person that made Dan realise his theoretical not-straightness is Phil himself because otherwise, this is going to make a terrible morning after conversation.

“I have to go,” Dan tells him abruptly. “G'night, Phil, I'm sorry,” and the call ends before Phil can speak.

Phil stares for a few more long seconds at their conversation. Types, _Goodnight, Dan. <3_

He closes his laptop and lies down. He's been up only ten minutes but sleep doesn't find him easily again that night.

 

They go a whole day and a half without talking. Phil's _almost_ starting to worry when Dan messages him on Skype.

_hey_

_Hey,_ Phil sends back.

_wanna voice call?_

_Sure._

Then Dan's calling and Phil's answering. “Missed you, Dan,” he greets him. “I don't like not talking to you for a whole day and a half.”

“I was really hungover and not up to talking.” Dan admits. “Plus I didn't know what to say.”

Phil doesn't play stupid. “You don't have to say anything. You don't have to say anything until you're ready.”

Dan nods and shivers a little. “It's really cold in this bedroom today.” He says, reaching over, disappearing from view, and then he's pulling on a hoodie that's a hair too big on him, swallowing him up in it, and he's fiddling with the ends of the sleeves that hang over his hands, putting one of them to his teeth and biting down gently, staring at Phil. “So what'd you do yesterday?” He asks, voice muffled by the fabric.

“You look really cute like that,” Phil tells him. After all, he's admitted to wanting to kiss him and even if Dan isn't ready to talk about it, Phil's not going to shy away from flirting if it means his chances with Dan might improve. “And I just mostly just sat around, didn't do anything.”

Dan's eyes widen slightly at Phil's words but he doesn't respond to that. Instead, they talk off and on for a few hours, Dan actually cleaning his room without hanging up while Phil browses the internet.

It's nice to just see each other, Phil supposes. It's like being together when they can't be.

They're actually wrapping up the call for the night because Dan's getting sleepy and Phil jokes, “Sweet dreams!” to him and Dan looks at him sharply, until Phil lets out a confused, “What?”

Dan's tired enough that his brain has switched off and he's saying sillier things than he usually does and Phil suspects that's the only reason why Dan answers him.

“It's just really ironic that you're saying that because, um.” Dan brings his hands up to his face. “I'm actually blushing. My face is all hot and flushed saying this.”

Phil's damn curious now. Anything that's going to make Dan squirm like this has to be interesting.

“I, um. The reason I don't think I'm straight is because I've been having – okay, well, this is probably too much information, but I've been having wet dreams about-”

Phil interrupts. “You've been having wet dreams about a guy?” He finishes. Dan's squirming so much, actually rubbing his face with his palms and his words are muffled and he's just finishing Dan's sentences.

At this, Dan goes very still. “Yeah. A guy.”

Phil mulls it over for a bit. “Are they good? Is he at least good in bed? Because I've actually had a bad wet dream before, which you wouldn't think possible, but it was weird, she had pointy fangs for teeth teeth and obviously it felt good in the dream but when I woke up and thought about it,” and he doesn't get to complete that sentence because Dan's laughing too hard at him.

“They're fine, they're good,” Dan tells him. “Really good. Um.”

“D'you wanna talk about them? I mean, maybe it's TMI but do you need to talk about them?”

“Don't you think that's weird? Me telling you about dreaming about a guy and you listening to it?”

Phil shrugs. “I'm just trying to be supportive and help you out, help you come to terms with it. I know what it's like to first be questioning and not have a support system.”

Dan watches him with those wide eyes, evaluating. “You're too nice, Phil. You're like, the actual nicest person around. Literally, how do you do it?”

“It's not hard to be nice to you. I like being nice to you, especially if it makes you feel special.” Half-flirting, here.

Dan's tiny smile, pushing through his wrecked nerves, is enough to fill Phil with delight.

“Go to sleep, Dan. We can talk more about your lecherous brain another day,” Phil tells him kindly.

“Good night, Phil.” But Dan doesn't hang up yet. “I kind of wish you were here. Like, a sleepover. I think it'd be nice to fall asleep with you around. I'd feel safer. You make me feel safer.”

Phil feels his heart crumbling, feels himself falling for Dan as Dan speaks. “Yeah?” He breathes out, head swimming. He stares at this beautiful boy across the country on his screen.

“Goodnight,” Dan says again, and then he ends the call. Phil's left sitting there.

“You make me feel like I'm going to fall in love with you and it scares the hell out of me,” Phil whispers to nobody.

 

Their next conversation when it gets brought up is when Dan's angry. He's been angry since they first started the call, stewing in it. It writes itself all over his face and Phil hates to see that because he never wants to see Dan angry, because that means Dan's upset, and he doesn't like it when his Dan is upset.

He's started calling Dan, “his Dan” without even realising it. He means it not in a possessive way – well, perhaps yes he does, but he means it when he gets Dan's time on Skype. His Dan is the pixelated image that he's yet to meet and that he's slowly falling for.

He doesn't want Dan upset when he's talking to Phil. Phil wants Dan to be happy, always, with him.

“She told me I was a fag,” Dan finally growls out. “I tried talking to my ex about this – I don't know, I thought maybe I could trust her since we'd been together for three years, maybe she'd still support me and I told her about having dreams about-” he pauses. “I told her. She told me I was a fag and asked if that was why I broke up with her.”

Phil's never seen Dan cry before. He sees it now, sees the way Dan's eyes go too bright and then tears slip from them, roll down his cheeks, two single tears on each cheek, and Phil wants to wrap him up in his arms and wipe them away and kiss his forehead.

“I'm so sorry,” Phil whispers.

“It's just. This doesn't seem worth it. I wish I hadn't ever started having these dreams. Can't I just go back to being straight?” Dan asks.

“If it were only that easy,” Phil laughs a little. “I mean, it would be easier to just fit back into the norm, right? But Dan – you're special. Would you really want to be normal and fit in, change something about yourself, just because of what someone said? Risk losing out on meeting someone who might change your world and make it better?”

Dan looks at Phil. “How do you always know what to say to make me feel better?” He asks.

Phil shakes his head. “I dunno. I just tell you the truth.”

Dan runs his hand through his fringe. “I guess I should tell you the truth then.” Phil looks at him. “About the dreams.”

“Oh, are we getting into graphic details? Because if we are, let me go get some ice cold water to cool me off when you tell me about them in scintillating detail. You're so verbose and eloquent you might just knock my socks off,” and Phil rolls back and lifts his feet so that Dan can see them. “And I'm wearing socks with stars and moons on them today so I quite like my socks.”

When he sits up, Dan's smiling. “You're such a weirdo, Phil,” he comments. He doesn't stop smiling. “I kind of love that about you, you're different. You don't try to fit in to someone's world views.”

“I'll just have to keep on setting that example for you,” Phil says. “But what do you want to tell me the truth about? I mean, I generally know how wet dreams work, Dan,” he gently teases. “I've had them. About guys and girls, so you don't need to explain that to me.”

“About who,” Dan says, voice shaking. “You don't know who they're about.”

Phil can almost feel the sudden tension in the room. Because Dan's going to tell him who he's been dreaming about and Phil's going to get jealous of this lucky guy who's stolen Dan's interest.

Dan stares at him and pushes his fringe, his nervous habit, and fumbles around with his phone, flipping it about in his hands and putting it down. “Phil, this might muck up our friendship a bit.”

Suddenly Phil thinks he knows and his brain is fuzzing out as Dan continues, his heart leaping into a whirlwind of raging beats.

Dan coughs. “I've been – I've had those dreams about you.” His voice is so soft, whispered. Phil barely hears him. The words seem to echo in his head.

Phil's brain goes through a dozen responses. “Is that all?” He finally says. “I'm a lucky guy to be featured in your dreams, then.”

Dan furrows his brows at him. “Is that all?” He questions. “I just told you that and your response is 'Is that all?'”

Phil shrugs. “I don't mind at all, to be honest. I mean, Dan, you're good-looking and funny and sweet and interesting and I could do a hell of a lot worse.”

“Wait, how are you – I'm confessing that I've been having wet dreams about you and you're _justifying_ your dream self in my head?” Dan asks, bewildered.

Phil can't help snickering a little. He doesn't mean to laugh at Dan, he's not, but Dan's just almost precious. “You're really cute when you're flustered,” he teases.

Dan _finally_ seems to get it. “You think I'm cute?” He asks. He's staring at the camera and he's chewing his lip and Phil wants to kiss him to get him to stop.

“I've also told you that I think you look kissable, haven't I? Dunno if you remember that one, you were pretty drunk.” Phil comments.

Dan nods slowly. “I remember. Does – what-” He's faltering here. “D'you like me, Phil?” He whispers.

Phil smiles at him. “Yeah, I do.” Keep it simple, keep it easy. No need to make things all complicated. Just tell him straight out. “I have for a few weeks now.”

“Oh.” Dan blinks and his mouth curls upwards into a smile just barely and he looks away, looks down at his lap. “I guess I like you too, then, if I'm – if I'm being perfectly honest.”

“Probably better that you do, it might make having certain types of dreams about me weird if you didn't,” Phil says cheekily. “I mean, I've had those too, sex dreams about a friend that I have no interest in and I've woken up and been like, 'Why?'”

“Phil.” Dan stares at him. “What's this all mean, then?”

Phil shrugs again. “We don't have to figure that out yet if you're not ready. I like you, you like me. We can keep it at that if you'd like for now. There's nothing wrong with mutual attraction and not doing anything about it.”

Dan nods and after a minute speaks. “Dunno if I'd be ready to do anything about it.”

Phil smiles. “I mean, what kind of a person would I be if I made you do something you weren't comfortable with? Wouldn't seem to prove I liked you very much at all.”

Dan shakes his head. “Stop being so incredible and sweet.” He requests. Phil gives him his most beaming smile he can muster.

“I can't, I'm talking to you. You make me want to be that way for you.” Now that it's out in the open, there's no reason not to flirt more.

Dan smiles. His shoulders relax and drop and his eyes crinkle at the corners and he smiles so big that his dimples pop and Phil wants to kiss him so badly. “I wanna kiss you right now, though,” Phil announces. “Just thought you should know. When you look like that, that makes me wanna kiss you so badly.”

Dan laughs breathlessly. “Okay, maybe I'd be okay with that much.”

Phil thinks about it for a minute and then brings his index and middle finger to his lips, kisses them, reaches over and taps the webcam on his laptop. Dan smiles even more broadly and then, probably blushing his arse off, imitates Phil.

“I wanna meet you, Phil,” Dan says softly. “I want to meet you and kiss you in real life.”

Phil's heart thuds in his chest at that idea. It's a marvelous idea and even if there was no kissing, he wants to meet Dan, but the idea of kissing is infinitely better than not. “I wouldn't mind,” he says softly, flirtatiously. “You've got nice lips. I bet they'd feel good.”

Dan blinks, blushes. Phil smiles at him and Dan smiles back and it's wonderful. Phil feels his heart swell up inside him and knows he's falling and now it's okay, now he doesn't care at all because Dan likes him back.

 

After that, they flirt. It starts out soft and small and careful but grows quickly and Dan gets comfortable with the idea of flirting and flirts back and pretty soon their Skype calls are inundated with nothing but flirting, until every single conversation is subject to them.

Dan whispers his words so his parents won't overhear. _I wanna kiss you. I wanna touch your dick. I wanna taste you._ They grow more and more explicit. _I want you touching me. Want you – wantyouinsideme_ and he rushes those words out and even as he flushes, stares at the screen and does not look away and Phil is nowhere near as innocent as some people seem to think he is because he meets Dan's eyes and smiles a slow smile, full of lust and want and need and every synonym he can think up for those things, says nothing until Dan gasps, but still they stare at each other, wordless, for another minute.

“Wish we could do something together,” Dan finally speaks. “You're so far away.”

Phil has an idea. He's had this idea for a few days but hasn't voiced it yet because he's still being careful for Dan's sake. “I mean, cybersex was invented for a reason,” he says softly. “We could play around a little that way.”

Dan makes a tiny noise – of surprise? Interest? Phil isn't sure until Dan nods. “Okay,” Dan says shakily. “How do – what did you want? How do we do this?”

Phil's in his pyjama pants and he kicks them off, tugs off his shirt, until he's clad just in his boxer-briefs and he's hard, he's showing that off to Dan on screen, kneeling in front of his computer.

He watches as Dan's mouth goes wide. “God, I wanna touch,” Dan utters instantly, probably before he even has really thought about what he's saying. Phil sweeps his fingers down his abdomen and rests them just above his erection.

“Keep talking,” Phil encourages. “Tell me what to do to myself, what you'd be doing.”

“I'd – oh fuck, I don't know if I can do this, this is really embarrassing,” Dan whispers.

“Do you want to stop? I didn't really get the go-ahead from you, I just started this,” Phil asks, feeling a little nervous. He is pushing Dan and he doesn't want to screw this _thing_ they've got going up.

Dan's silent and Phil's about to reach for his shirt and put it back on when Dan finally answers him. “I'd just rub you through your underwear to start,” and his voice is faltering, so quiet, because his parents could hear, and his breath is shallow – Phil can watch the way he breathes faster on screen.

Phil reaches down those last few centimetres and does as Dan says, just palms himself lightly and watches as Dan shifts, licks his lips. “Just wanna feel how hard you'd be,” Dan stumbles his words.

Phil wonders if Dan ever did something like this with his ex-girlfriend or if this is Dan's first time having cybersex. He continues to rub himself gently, letting his thumb roll across the head, and his hips give a little hitch at that pleasure.

“D'you want to be touching yourself?” Phil asks, voice low. “You should, if you want,” and Dan's sitting cross-legged on the bed, and Phil watches as Dan's hand dips below where he can see and Dan's face gives it away when he starts to touch, eyes fluttering shut, then pushing open because he wants to keep watching Phil.

“Would reach inside and pull you out so I could get my hands on you,” Dan utters softly and Phil uses his free hand to push down his boxer-briefs enough that his dick is freed, his fingers coming to run along it glidingly and Dan's eyes are so fucking wide, his mouth hanging open in want; it's written clear across his face in every single aspect.

“You're gorgeous,” Dan manages. Phil closes his eyes and melts under those words, dropped so carelessly from Dan's lips, not knowing what they mean to Phil. “You're perfect.”

Phil wants Dan, wants him not even in a sexual way, he wants to pull Dan into his arms and kiss him until Dan feels how Dan's making Phil feel, warm and cared about and special and loved and it pulls through him in a yearning that he can't contain, making his breath catch in his throat and his fingers still on his cock as he stares at Dan and wants.

“Why'd you stop?”

Phil remembers that his face is off-screen and Dan can't see him and that's probably a good thing because he's pretty sure his face would have given away just how wrecked this beautiful boy who is only eighteen has gotten him.

He starts stroking again then. “So much precome,” Phil tells Dan. “So wet,” and Dan shivers, mouth parts again.

“Wish I could feel it,” and Phil juts his hips forward, tries to angle his cock, rubs his thumb over the tip and pulls it back, shows Dan the thin string of precome that hangs in the space between.

Dan's forearm is moving faster now and his voice is skittering as he speaks, jerky. “I can't believe how fast I'm gonna come,” he says. “I'm so fucking embarrassed but you turn me on so much. Just seeing that.”

Phil takes that as his initiative to start stroking firmer, faster, wanting to come with Dan. “Just try and hold off for another minute,” he says.

The pretense of talking falls aside as they just watch each other and pull at their respective cocks, Dan shifting, stretching out his legs, gasping, chest hitching a few times as he breathes in through pursed lips, and Phil's building himself up fast.

“Gonna come,” Phil lets Dan know and Dan stares intently, working himself, and Phil does exactly that with a quiet groan, shooting jets of come across his stomach and chest and he watches as Dan arches slightly, hips and back up and head falling back just, and Dan shudders and gasps fast noises, wrist and forearm moving so fast, and Phil wishes he could see Dan's cock, but he can only imagine, and then Dan goes still, heaving in a long breath.

“Holy shit,” Dan mumbles. “I can't believe we did that.”

Phil tucks himself away and resettles on the bed, reaching for a box of tissues on his bedside table to clean up with, swiping at the mess. “Did you enjoy it?” He asks, distracted

“Heh, uh, yeah,” Dan says, huffing out a tiny laugh. “Did you?”

“Very much so. We should definitely do that again at some point.” Phil responds.

“I liked seeing – you have a beautiful body, Phil.” Dan stammers his words out. “Probably a lot nicer than mine. I'm scrawny.”

“I'm sure you're fine,” Phil reassures him. “I mean, I'm attracted to you, am I not?”

“Look how scrawny I am though, like,” Dan complains, and he yanks off his shirt and leans forward. “Look at my clavicles.”

Phil's kind of lost in the whole aspect of shirtless Dan. He's never seen Dan shirtless before and he kind of would love to see Dan shirtless for the rest of the night if Dan was comfortable with that. “You really need to wear less clothes when we talk,” Phil comments, raking his gaze across every inch that he can see, trying to memorise it.

Dan sits back down and he's covering his face with his hands, mumbling. “I can't believe you, Phil. You're so amazing – oh fuck, that's a pun and I didn't even mean it.”

Phil laughs at Dan, he laughs and thinks that given about ten minutes, if Dan stays shirtless, he could be up for round two if Dan's game and wonders if he should suggest it.

In the end, he decides against it and they just talk, albeit a bit more bashfully, for another hour before Dan goes to bed.

 

It's early October and Phil wants to see if Dan wants to try something new. Dan and he have done the whole jerking off for each other thing a few times and honestly, he wants to try something that he wants to do to Dan, but he wants Dan to do it to himself first so he's comfortable with it when it happens in real life.

They've started planning on when Dan's coming to visit – Dan wants to come in two weeks and Phil wants Dan to be ready for whatever might happen between them. They've all but admitted there's no way they're going to be able to just stay friendly and that's it. Dan's pretty much promised that the second he gets Phil alone, he's going to be clambering into his lap and kissing him.

While Phil isn't going to push Dan for sex, if it does happen, he kind of wants Dan to be ready for it and so while they're talking and flirting that night, Phil says, “So I had an idea of something you could try.”

Dan tilts his head to the side just slightly. “Oh?” He's halfway to tugging his shirt off because Phil has made it clear how much he enjoys seeing Dan shirtless and Dan, once he's made sure his door is firmly shut and there's something hefty in front of it to keep it from opening too quickly, is fast to remove articles of clothing for Phil.

“I'm not expecting to have sex when you come visit.” Phil starts. “But – I mean, if something were to happen, I kind of want you to know what you'd be getting into.”

“Are we talking literally or figuratively here?” Dan teases and Phil chuckles at him.

“Well, this would be kind of literally, I suppose. But – okay, I mean, I don't know how you're going to take this but how would you feel about fingering yourself?” Phil asks, rushing the words a little as he speaks.

Dan squirms in front of him. His forehead and eyebrows crease. “Isn't that a little … gay?” He asks.

Phil lifts an eyebrow. “Kind of the point, Dan.” That earns a faint smile from Dan.

“I mean – will it feel good? Have you done it? What's it feel like?” Dan's asking all the questions that Phil expected.

“It feels like fingers up your arsehole. There's not exactly a good way to describe it and if you do it right, it should feel good.” Phil tells Dan. “Yeah, I've done it and I've had someone else do it to me.”

Dan brings the hem of his t-shirt to his mouth, chews it. “Can I think about it?” He mumbles. Phil nods.

“You don't have to do anything that you don't want to do,” he reassures Dan. “It's just – if we ever have sex, I'm going to do that to you.”

“I mean, wouldn't sex just be you sticking your dick in me?” Dan asks. “You don't need to finger me, right? It can't hurt that bad.”

Phil shrugs. “It doesn't hurt that bad, I suppose. But it's helpful to get a little bit of lube and whatnot beforehand. I mean, maybe we're getting ahead of ourselves.”

“We haven't even met.” Dan agrees. “Um. How about we just stick to what we know.”

So they do. Dan jerks off for Phil later on and Phil encourages him through it and tells him how gorgeous he is and later on the next day, Dan posts on his twitter a picture of his confirmation for coming to visit Phil.

Phil doesn't see it until just over an hour later and he tweets _@danisnotonfire 12 days!!_ in excitement.

That night, he asks Dan if Dan's thought at all about what he's suggested and Dan tells him that yeah, he has, and he's not sure he wants to, that if anybody's going to do it, it's going to be Phil because it would just be weird to finger himself, don't you think? And Phil tells him that quite frankly, no, he doesn't think that, he even offers to show Dan himself, but Dan burns bright red – Phil can see it through the screen – and shakes his head no, so Phil drops it.

 

The time to meet takes forever and comes too fast at once. He's at the train station, looking for Dan, and he sees familiar fringe, a blue and white plaid shirt, the strap of a bag over Dan's shoulder, and it's just quarter to one in the afternoon and Phil is pushing gently through strangers as he speeds up to meet Dan.

He's got some momentum going when he reaches Dan, who's spotted him coming and his eyes are wide and face splitting into a grin and he's going into a half-jog even though there's no room on the crowded platform for them, but they find each other and practically collide with their energy, both of them uttering “oomph”s, but who _cares_ when there's Dan to hug, and hugging Dan is everything Phil could have dreamt of.

He's got his arms around Dan and is squeezing as tight as he can, whispering, “Oh my god, I can't believe you're here,” and Dan's practically shaking from nerves, he can feel the tiny trembles running through Dan's body.

“Breathe, breathe,” Phil reminds Dan, “Calm down, it's okay,” and Dan's burying his face into Phil's shoulder, not letting go of the embrace. They're probably making a scene but again, who cares? Who cares when it comes to Dan? Because Dan is quickly becoming the most important person in Phil's life and he's starting to accept it.

They go to Starbucks first and get caramel macchiatos and Dan stares at Phil, eyes wide and bright and he's so much _more_ than Phil could have imagined now that he's not on Skype, he's so much more real and beautiful and it takes everything in Phil's power not to reach over and grab his hand or kiss him.

Dan's enamored and awestruck with Phil. He's said it a few times now, that he can't believe AmazingPhil is his friend, and Phil knows there's a small bit of idolatry still going on, despite them having been friends long enough that it's starting to fade, where Phil's not just AmazingPhil, he's Phil Lester, Dan's friend, and Dan's starting to finally see through his hero worship of Phil, but it's obvious enough that Dan's still got a bit of it going on right now.

But then they start to talk and that falls away and it's just the two of them, talking quietly as they drink their coffee and Dan's no longer gazing at Phil like he's a god and then they're off again, off to the Apple store where they messily primp their fringes and open up the photo app on the computer and pose casually, even though Dan makes Phil take the picture seven times until he's completely satisfied that he looks cool enough, even as Phil pulls a 'quirky' face, until finally they finish that and head out to leave their fellow customers an opportunity to do whatever they're going to do on the Macbooks.

He hugs Dan again on impulse and tugs Dan's shirt into his hands and actually bites Dan's shoulder and Dan gives a squeak and a yelp and then starts giggling and Phil pulls back with an apology that Dan waves off, gazing at him fondly.

They go to the Skybar and then the Manchester Wheel and it's been a flurry of a day that Phil feels like they've barely gotten to do anything that he's wanted, he wants to do so much with Dan, and they don't have enough time. He mentions it as they board the Wheel and Dan comments that he'll just have to come visit again, won't he? and Phil looks at him and grins and Dan grins back.

They're talking in hushed tones as the Wheel lifts them up and then Dan's looking at the sky and saying how vast it is, how insignificant he feels, he's just one person in this universe and Phil whispers, “You've got me next to you though, you're not alone,” and they're at the top of the Wheel when Dan turns and looks at him, really looks at him for a long five seconds that makes Phil shiver.

“I've got you?” Dan asks finally and Phil nods and there's where Dan leans in suddenly, kisses Phil cautiously, mouth pressed almost to the corner of Phil's, as if he were trying to pull back at the same time, and Phil catches Dan's jaw, realigns them so they're kissing properly.

His head swims and swirls and he loses all train of thought. He's kissing Dan and it's incredible. Dan pulls back first because Phil doesn't think he has the will to do it and when Dan does, he's got a smile on his lips. “Wow,” Dan says softly. “That was basically perfect.”

Phil wants to say, “Kiss me again,” and what he'd mean is “Kiss me until I forget how to breathe, until I forget my own name, until I've lost all sense of everything but you,” and now he's the one to tremble the way Dan did. His heart pounds and he doesn't know if he's ever felt this way about anybody before. He's just slightly on this side of terrified.

And then they're on their way home back to Phil's place and in the cab, Dan shrugs off his plaid overshirt and lies it between them and sneaks his hand underneath it, until he can pull Phil's wrist and hand underneath it too, and he holds Phil's hand, soft and a little sweaty with nerves.

In the privacy of Phil's home, in the privacy of his room, on his bed, they kiss again. They kiss sitting next to each other until Phil leans back and pulls Dan on top, until Dan's settling between his legs and Phil's running his hands urgently down Dan's back, mouthing at his neck, licking a small line there while Dan gasps.

They kiss and they break away with nervous giggles and talk for a while until heat takes them and they resume kissing. They fall asleep for a little bit and Phil wakes up abruptly by the sensation of Dan rolling over, curling an arm over him, and he wakes up Dan putting an arm over him back, and Dan looks at him with half-lidded eyes, warm and sleepy, and Dan smiles, leans in and kisses him again, and that sets them off, this time Phil being the one to push Dan down onto the bed underneath him, rolling his hips lazily at Dan while Dan clutches them with his long, slim fingers and stifles his noises.

“Don't have to be quiet,” Phil reminds him. “My parents aren't here right now,” and Dan nods at him, but still, perhaps ingrained in him from living at home and having to be quiet no matter what, does not yet make noise.

Eventually, they decide that maybe they should get some proper sleep and Phil reaches for his phone and tweets _ahappyphil_ at 2:22 in the morning.

They wake up and resume prior ministrations the next morning, not bothering to get up until well past noon. Phil makes them waffles and they play video games and Dan rests his head on Phil's shoulder, whispering, “This is incredible, are you sure this is real?” in a voice that's so tremulous that it hurts Phil's heart.

“Promise, bear,” Phil whispers back, raking his fingers through Dan's hair gently. “I'm so glad you're here.”

Eventually Phil tweets for questions and they get ready to make a video that Phil's decided to call “phil is not on fire”. Dan starts the video with “Why do you always make cat whiskers on your face?” and they film a few more questions until Phil carefully draws whiskers on Dan, off-handedly brushing Dan's fringe out of his eyes, and wants to kiss him, but doesn't because he's still recording, and then sits back to let Dan draw them on him.

It starts off silly and only gets sillier and Dan's laughing at him, gently making fun of him, and Phil stares at Dan on the screen, his sweetness shining through with his smile and soft brown eyes, slender frame and vaguely stylish top, and he knows there's going to be a lot of jump cuts for how much he can't stop staring at Dan when he's not looking at the screen, and Dan's staring back. They keep giggling at each other and knocking knees and elbows, screwing around.

Phil will never get tired of Dan's voice. He smiles in silence as Dan takes them on a tour of Phil's house and in his lovely, articulate way pokes fun at everything. At one point, Dan's laughing at him and Phil ducks his head, presses it against Dan's chest, and knows he won't be able to bring himself to edit it out, because he wants to be able to look back on that moment, of being that close to Dan.

Dan's giving him shit for his “Poundland GHD” product, and Phil can't stop himself, he stops the recording and tackles Dan.

He means for it to become a ticklefest and while at first Dan practically shrieks underneath him as Phil's fingers dig home into his sides and Dan kicks, almost knocking everything near them over in the process, Dan plays his own advantage and kisses Phil in the briefest of moments when their faces roughly align and tickling falls to the wayside.

Somehow, they creep backwards from the floor up the side of Phil's bed and back until Dan's reclined on it with Phil above him and Phil's pulling off Dan's shirt, whispering, “Too fast or no?”

Dan's unbuttoning Phil's shirt as fast as he can. “Not at all.” He whispers back and when he reaches the last button, he shoves it off Phil and then drops his hands to Phil's jeans, with shaky hands unbuttoning them as well, unzipping, pushing.

“Don't want to have sex yet,” Dan adds on an exhale. “But I'm up for fooling around.” It takes another minute to get him out of his own jeans and they're aligned in nothing but their underwear, Dan's fingers splayed over Phil's back, touching, as if he can't get enough.

Phil can't get enough of Dan, that's for sure. He's got his face pressed to Dan's chest as he kisses a line down and he inhales the scent of whatever deodorant Dan wears. It smells faintly of cinnamon or pine, perhaps. Phil's not sure, it just smells sharp and he inhales deeply again to learn it.

Then he's making his way back up Dan's chest to his mouth and he's leaning on one elbow, the weight of his free hand resting on Dan's hip. “Can I touch you?” He asks, pressing his thumb under the hem of Dan's underwear, skimming over the skin.

“Yeah,” Dan confirms. “Just – I...” He pauses. “I mean, I know this is going to sound stupid given that we've been making out for the better part of the last day but – if this happens, then I'm not straight, am I?”

“Dan,” Phil says softly, looking at him with tenderness in his gaze. Somewhere deep inside him he has the urge to protect Dan from every scary thought in his brain. “It's not a bad thing and it's not as big a deal as you might think.”

“Yeah, I know,” Dan says. Phil presses a kiss to his jaw and Dan hums a small noise of contentment. “Just – it's kind of getting cemented home that I'm bisexual, and I didn't know I was bisexual until like, a month and a half ago.”

“I'll go slow,” Phil tells him. “As slow as you need.” He's not talking about whatever they're about to do now, he's talking about in general. Whatever thing they've got going on here is good and Phil doesn't want to mess it up.

He thinks of his first time getting a handjob from a guy and being halfway to drunk and stuporous. Dan's the exact opposite. Dan's wide-awake, alert and stone sober and looks just slightly scared.

Phil kisses him tight and hard and waits until Dan gasps and claws at him with his fingers before he pushes his hand inside Dan's boxer-briefs and starts to stroke. Dan only hesitates for a minute longer before matching Phil, his hand coming to curl around Phil's cock and pull, the soft, fumbling pulls of someone nervous.

Still feels fucking amazing, though, and Phil whines that out in between his own workings on Dan, encouragement for his nervous Dan and Dan's strokes become longer, smoother as Phil encourages him.

In the end, Phil's the one to come first – Dan is intoxicating and Dan's still pent up enough that it takes him a while to get his head where it should be, but that's okay because it means that after Phil's come and Dan hasn't, Phil takes his time, lazily jacks off Dan while sitting next to him, watching him with a hot gaze, glancing between Dan's face and his cock in Phil's hand, flirting, licking his lips, and eventually Dan hisses, arches, comes all over himself.

They clean up and redress and Phil glances at the camera. “We should finish filming,” he comments, laughing. “I wasn't planning on that happening.”

So they settle back down and for the first few seconds as Phil turns the camera back on, Dan's unsteady and Phil will cut that bit out later, but then Dan leans into the camera, stares straight at it, and announces, “I think you should quack”, with a steady, firm voice not belying what is still churning inside him, Phil suspects. So Phil lets out a strange quack and Dan responds with a weird kind of roary-groan, and the video's back on the road.

Later on, when Phil edits it, he wonders just how obvious it will be that their whiskers and noses are all smudged up from their earlier activities.

 

Phil finds that Dan is possessive of Phil, as if he can't believe he gets Phil all to himself, and he proves it by wrapping an arm around him several times at the Halloween gathering, and it's not like Phil's tearing himself away from Dan, sticking close to his side.

On November 2nd, Dan says he's going to tell his parents about Phil. Phil asks, “Tell them what, exactly?” because he wants to be on the same terms as Dan and Dan shrugs.

“That I like you and you like me and we're … sort of a thing, aren't we?”

“Yeah, okay,” Phil agrees readily. Not yet giving a name to it, just that it's official, Dan's making them a thing. He can feel his heart burning inside him with worry.

The next day, Dan tweets about having had a biblical scale fight with his father, of needing to escape, wanting to fly to Manchester, and Phil meets him again at the train station with warm arms and a hug.

Phil is tender with Dan that evening and Dan clings to him, bites his throat a few times, eventually latching on and sucking, fingers digging into Phil's back, and Phil's too lost in what Dan's doing to think ahead.

Sure enough, it bruises and it's high enough on his neck that it won't be fully covered by his shirt. Phil half-doesn't care because he's managed to pull Dan out of his funk.

Dan is at Phil's place over the next few days and there's a steady round of kissing and handjobs and Phil blows Dan for the first time. He undresses Dan and gets him underneath Phil's covers and sneaks under them himself and inches his way down until he can wrap his mouth around Dan and lets Dan push into his mouth needily.

The next night, they're lying half-asleep next to each other, naked, kind of lazily groping, when Dan says quietly, “Does it taste funny?” and Phil blinks awake, pulls back as he figures out what Dan means, as Dan gives a particular squeeze to the head of his cock.

“Not too funny, I suppose,” he responds. “Kind of salty and bitter but it's over fast enough if you swallow.”

“Just – don't choke me, okay?” Dan asks and before Phil can tell Dan that he doesn't have to, Dan's sliding down and pushing between Phil's legs, and Phil gives a sort of whimpering noise as he breathes in sharply, as Dan hovers for a few seconds and then laps at the head, opens his mouth, slides it just a couple of inches down, waits, as if testing himself.

Then Dan's doing his best, bobbing up and down, his tongue sliding all around, before he pulls back. “Give me tips if I need them,” he requests. Phil thinks to himself, _let it never be said that my Dan doesn't dive head-first into things he wants no matter his fear_ and doesn't even care that he's taken to calling Dan “his Dan” on a regular basis mentally.

“Hollow out your cheeks a little, angle your head forward, you'll be able to take more,” Phil says softly and feels as Dan does, as his cock slides into Dan's mouth and pushes at the back of his throat. Dan pauses there, wraps one arm under Phil's thigh and around it, holding Phil tightly, his possessive nature emerging.

Phil thinks he's becoming equally possessive of Dan, now that he thinks about it. He loses himself in Dan's mouth and the way that Dan strokes at Phil's thigh with his fingers. He comes a few minutes later and Dan does not hesitate at all, swallowing even as he slides his mouth a few times more over Phil, where Phil can feel the pressure of Dan's tongue as he pushes back Phil's release.

When Dan leaves, Phil scours Dan's twitter as far back as it goes and looks for any signs of him tweeting about his ex-girlfriend and finds that for all the tweets that Dan has made about Phil, there's almost nothing regarding his ex, and Phil wonders what the difference is, that Dan is clearly possessive publicly about Phil in whatever manner he's allowed when he wasn't regarding his ex of three years.

Phil wonders if Dan cares about Phil as much as Phil does for Dan. He strongly suspects that Dan does. Phil makes sure to send a few extra “xx”s in his next text message to Dan and Dan replies with “:]]]]]”.

On the fourteenth of November, Dan messages Phil with _i_ _wish you could wrap me up in your arms and make me feel the most special because that's how i feel when we're together_.

Phil can't help but tweet _Woke up to the nicest txt ever :3_ and responds to Dan, _Next time I see you, I'll be sure to do that._

They tweet each other more and more, grow more open with their feelings, not masking it. Phil wonders if he should, given that he's got a fanbase, given that Dan's developing one as well. He can't bring himself to, though, in the end, because it's like Dan's got a spell over him.

Dan gets fired. He tweets about it, without making it clear what it is. He tweets about killing himself and crying to sleep, about it serving him right for having his head in the clouds.

Phil calls him and talks to him and calls him “bear” a couple of times, because that never fails to help make Dan smile. He tells Dan he misses him and can't wait to see him again, that Dan's one of the nicest things to ever have happened in his life.

Dan asks how Phil can always make things better. Phil thinks he wants to always make things better if he can.

Their falling for each other turns faster and more intense. Dan tweets about the physical pain in your chest when all you want is to be with someone. Phil can relate and tweets, asking time to speed up.

They hit a new record for Skype calls and Dan tweets about it laughingly, at three in the morning. He doesn't mention that the latter half-hour was spent with Phil encouraging Dan to jerk off and then Phil jerking off in return, or that Dan had confessed he was thinking that soon, he'd be ready for more.

 

Then Dan's back at Phil's house and there's warm kisses and Phil thinks he can't get his head together and he thinks his head hasn't been together for a while now. He's losing himself in Dan and Dan's constantly kissing Phil's neck, burrowing his face against it, murmuring to Phil little words of affection.

In fact, Dan's voice is so muffled against his skin that Phil _almost_ misses it when Dan says, “If you want to finger me, you can,” words garbled into Phil's shirt.

But Phil does hear and he runs his hand up Dan's back, twists his fingers into the nape of Dan's hair and tugs lightly, affectionately, then pulls back Dan's head to look at him. “You sure?”

Dan nods. He's blushing. “I want to know what it feels like,” he says. “I think I'm ready with the idea.” His voice is whispery and when he laughs, it's nervous and a little raspy. “I think I'm in love with you,” he adds.

Phil's startled. He's tweeted, _love you_ to nobody in particular but thought mostly of Dan when he did it. He's never been in love before and he doesn't know how he'll know, but he'll know, he hopes.

He wonders if being in love means when he thinks about kissing Dan, the way his stomach twists up a little, if that's in love. He wonders if he doesn't mind that Dan stakes his claim as publicly as he can, if that's in love. He thinks about the idea of fingering Dan, making Dan feel amazing, of the idea of Dan letting Phil sink inside him, and the way it makes Phil want to kiss him endlessly, if that's in love.

“Want you to be my boyfriend,” Phil whispers back. He doesn't say that he thinks about Dan at all hours, that he imagines what it would be like to wake up next to Dan every morning and go to bed with him at night, and he doesn't say that he thinks he might be falling in love too. “Want to make it official.”

Then Dan climbs into his lap and kisses him and Phil's stomach flip-flops, his heart races and leaps, and there's a rush of joy as Dan nods and whispers yeah, yes, okay, please, thank you, been so scared you would never ask.

“Come on, let's get you into bed,” Phil whispers. “Going to make you feel good in a way you've never known about. Wanna make my boyfriend feel as special as I can.”

Dan kisses him again and whispers, the uninhibited sureness of a teenager, _love you, Phil_ and maybe he's hoping Phil will say it back but Phil's not quite ready. But he's close. In response, Phil says, “I'm pretty fond of you, Dan. Like, nine point eight out of a scale of one to ten. Really fond of you.”

Dan gives him a small smile, and yeah, there's a little disappointment in his eyes, but Dan's smart enough to also know not to expect anything grandiose yet from Phil. They kiss and they stumble their way to Phil's bedroom and Phil undresses Dan, kissing every inch of skin as he goes.

Phil's got lube leftover from whatever he had with Charlie – it was complicated and never quite really defined. It's cherry and he almost doesn't want to use it on Dan. He wants nothing but fresh starts with Dan but he wants to finger Dan more than he can even put into words so he reaches into his bedside drawer, drops the lube on the bed next to him, and kisses Dan's shoulder.

“Get undressed, gorgeous,” and he lavishes Dan with praise because he knows that Dan still feels like he's a little fat even though he's actually slightly too thin, in Phil's opinion.

Dan shucks off his clothing quickly. They've gotten pretty comfortable with being naked with each other like this, without it being a precursor to sex, just being naked. It's almost become customary to, once they hit Phil's bed, start undressing. It's a lot more fun to be naked and kiss because it can lead to other things that they're pretty comfortable with. Phil lavishes Dan with kisses across his entire body while he's at it.

Phil wants to leave hickies, but he wants to leave them in places nobody else will get to see but him, so he licks a small stripe right where Dan's ribs end and his stomach begins and Dan arches up and Phil takes that inch of flesh between his teeth and bites until Dan groans and clutches his fingers through Phil's hair.

Only then does Phil pull back and look at the red mark that he knows will bruise. He moves to Dan's hip, latches on there, using teeth and tongue to elicit gasps from Dan, who has learned to not be quiet when there's no need and Phil's parents aren't around to hear.

He makes sure that Dan will have the sharp discolouring of purple bruising that fades to the strange mucky green on his hip too. Two marks from Phil that Dan can linger on, memories for Dan when he's back home.

It's only then that he reaches for the lube and pops the cap. “Legs up,” he says, bringing it so that Dan's feet are flat on his bed, bent at the kneecap. “Get comfy,” he requests.

He squeezes lube on his fingers, slick and just slightly sticky, and he reaches under to Dan's arse, rubs his finger across the entrance. “Promise this won't hurt,” he tells Dan. “Just stay relaxed.”

Phil knows what he's doing here – it's not like he's hugely experienced, but he has enough experience, and he pushes one finger inside, feeling Dan instinctively tighten up.

“No, relax,” Phil encourages Dan. “This doesn't hurt, right?” and Dan loosens up a little around him, shifts on the bed.

“Feels weird but it doesn't hurt,” Dan tells him. His fingers are fisted in the bedspread and twitching. “You sure this is necessary for us to have sex?”

“Well, no, obviously it's not necessary but I promise you I'll make it feel good and then you'll want me to do it before we have sex,” Phil assures him. “Bear, come on, don't worry, I've got you.”

His heart hurts for Dan because Dan is clearly nervous. “Why do you have to throw yourself headlong into things?” Phil asks, kissing Dan's inner thigh as he starts sliding his finger in and out of Dan, making Dan squirm beneath him. “We could go slower.”

“Want to have sex, okay?” Dan says, breathless and firmly at the same time, the stubborn resolve of someone who can't be talked out of things. “I don't want to be your boyfriend who's too afraid to have sex,” and Phil groans at Dan quietly, kissing his thigh again.

“Dan, we've only been together like, a month and a half, if you go by when we first kissed, we've only been flirting for a few months. We can wait.” Phil tries to reassure Dan.

“No,” Dan says. “Just – show me how this is supposed to feel good because I want it to feel good, because I want you, okay? Please?”

So Phil slides his second finger inside, starting to stretch Dan, gently curling his fingers ever so slightly, looking for that spot inside Dan. He searches and kisses Dan's thigh and talks to him, stupid things like how sweet Dan is and how beautiful Dan looks, trying to distract him from how weird it must feel until Phil can make it feel good.

Phil _knows_ when he finds Dan's prostate. Dan lets out a noise that is unbecoming and almost girlish, a high-pitched, gaspy ' _ah-whoa_ ,' and Phil stifles his smile into Dan's thigh. “Told you,” he tells Dan, equally unbecoming in his bragging.

“Do that again,” Dan orders him and Phil strokes again, feels Dan twist and clamp down again except this is a good clamping down. “Fuck, Phil, why didn't you tell me it would feel like that?”

Phil makes a small noise. “I tried!” He protests and Dan lets out another low moan when Phil very distinctly makes sure to rub his fingers right where it feels good.

“Just think about my dick inside you hitting that spot,” Phil utters in a low voice and Dan lets out another noise. “I like it when you get a little loud.”

He kind of wants a place of his own for Dan to come over to, where they don't have to think about parents, where Dan can be as loud as he wants. He thinks Dan is probably a lot louder than either of them might expect if he had the chance.

Phil almost wants to use more fingers on Dan. He knows what it feels like to have three, four fingers opening you up. But he doesn't think Dan would be particularly keen on that. So instead, he ducks his head over to Dan's cock and sucks him inside wetly and fingers him with two fingers, angling them over and over, crooked just right.

Dan groans and gasps and even begs and when he comes, it starts out as a gutteral moan that becomes voiceless and strangled sharp in his throat as he arches up and pulsates around Phil's fingers and down Phil's throat.

 

The next night, they've each come respectively once. Phil's jerked off Dan and Dan had blown Phil, wiping his mouth casually even as his eyes flickered to Phil's face in anticipation of _was I good enough_ and Phil's immediate to reassure him.

He remembers the insecurities of being new to this, of being a teenager. He's still insecure in his own ways.

They were lying next to each other, clad in only underwear pulled back on because they hadn't crawled under the covers and it was a tad nippy in the house, when Dan murmured, “Wanna have sex tonight. There's enough lube, right? I wanted you to last, so I wanted us both to get off first,” and Phil's kind of stunned that Dan had planned this much out.

He's not particularly surprised at the same time because Dan is nothing if not a perfectionist. He's learnt that in the last few months. So it makes sense that Dan would plan this out, fulfil a script.

Phil doesn't want this scripted. He wants it to be spontaneous and right. “First,” Phil announces, “I'm going to kiss every inch of you and suck you for a while in return for that amazing blowjob you gave me.”

He's breaking the script that he knows Dan has planned and that's just too bad for Dan because Phil intends to do exactly that. He starts at Dan's forehead and places a tiny kiss there, down Dan's cheek and jaw and swoops briefly up to his mouth, pressing his lips to Dan, whispers, “I adore you,” and sees Dan's mouth curve into a smile.

Dan mouths, _I love you_ and Phil forgets how to breathe, he takes in what Dan means and what Dan's willing to do for him and he forgets about everything but what Dan means to him.

He closes his eyes and lets his feelings overwhelm him as he kisses down Dan's chest, back up, takes his time trip-tiptoeing down Dan's left and then right arm, back down his chest. Time passes in long seconds and Dan shivers under the intimacy and Phil pulls the blankets up around them.

He covers Dan's thighs with kisses, down the length of Dan's calves, presses his mouth even to the top of Dan's foot, to his heel, and Dan twitches and mutters something about not having a foot fetish, please stop, and Phil kisses the swell of his ankle and comes back up, kissing a line up Dan's dick and then licking a line down, tasting him.

He finds the lube on the bedside table next to them and makes fast work with two fingers into Dan, who readily opens up for him, not nearly as tense as he was the prior night.

Phil had always thought it would be cliché to realise you were in love the first time you had sex with someone. Seeing Dan now, spread open underneath him, head tilted back, eyes squeezed shut, mouth parted just, breathing in shallow breaths and palming his hands across Phil's back as Phil pushes inside, as Phil's insides are wrecked with nerves, he comes to think that not all clichés are bad, as the last bit of reserves around his heart crumble into dust.

“I just want you to know,” Phil murmurs against Dan's skin, “I'm in love with you too.”

He crawls as far up as he can, kisses Dan sloppily, fingers not deep enough into Dan, not nearly enough, but it'll have to be enough because he _has_ to be able to kiss Dan and Dan's actually tearing up. Dan's got the slightest dampness in his eyes and he squeezes his eyes shut.

“Shut up, you're going to ruin me,” Dan promptly informs Phil between kisses and Phil nods.

“You've already ruined me,” and it's completely cheesy but maybe that's exactly what Dan deserves, after all, when he's only eighteen, and it's true for Phil, who's never been in love before and he's not scared anymore of what it might be like.

“Wanna feel you inside me,” Dan begs. “Am I ready yet? Enough?”

Phil supposes that Dan might be and so he slides his fingers out of Dan. He hadn't been planning on having sex with Dan so he hasn't bought condoms but he does have two leftover from whatever he had with Charlie. It snarls inside him that once again, this isn't a fresh start with Dan and Phil resolves to buy a new brand of condom and never use this kind again.

He rips the foil package, slides the condom on, slicks it up with lube, kisses Dan slow and languidly and holds himself right at Dan's entrance. “Gonna hurt more than fingers,” he warns. “You sure?”

Dan, petulant and perfect for Phil, lifts his hips and actually pushes forward and gasps when he forces the beginning of Phil's cock into him. “Guess so,” he manages to grit out.

Phil simultaneously moans and almost laughs at the same time. “You're fucking ridiculous,” he informs Dan as he gently moves his hips, gently pushes forward, feeling Dan tightening and fingers digging into Phil's back.

“It'll get better, I promise. Does it hurt bad?”

Dan shakes his head against the pillow. “Doesn't hurt a lot – just a stretch. It's not comfortable, exactly. But it's not bad.”

Phil marvels at how tight Dan is. He should have used more than two fingers but Dan was insistent. He sinks ever further deeper until he can't go any deeper, until his thighs are flush to Dan's.

“Tell me when,” Phil says. His voice is gravelly and rough and low and Dan's eyes flutter shut.

“When,” Dan says instantly and Phil doesn't move.

“Tell me when, _when you're comfortable_ ,” Phil says firmly. “Relax. Breathe. I'm not going to come straight away, not when I already got off once. I can wait. Plus – you feel really good around me.”

When Dan shudders, it rolls through his entire body. Phil feels it around him, Dan shivering tight and hard.

“Love you,” Phil drops a kiss to Dan's neck. “Love you,” he repeats, another kiss making his way over to Dan's jaw.

Dan breathes in hard through his nose. He lies taut underneath Phil, sheathing him, legs slowly dragging up until they've wrapped around Phil's waist. “Okay, go ahead,” he says. “I think I'm okay.”

Phil pulls his hips back, rocks forward, and Dan makes a small noise, a huff of an exhale as he breathes out unexpectedly. Dan drags in a breath and lets it out again equally as sharp as Phil thrusts again.

“Feel so good,” Phil says, Dan's heat around him making him grind hard into his boyfriend, _boyfriend_ and he can't handle that, he's got Dan as a boyfriend and it's amazing and perfect and he doesn't want to ever lose Dan, because Dan is beautiful and wonderful and Phil knows now what it's like to be in love because he's absolutely head over heels in love with Dan.

He thrusts, over and over, angling his hips more and more, pushing Dan's legs back further and further, and finally they're in a position where Phil's rubbing over Dan's prostate with each movement.

Dan groans and Phil sucks at Dan's throat, bites gently, whispers, _love you so much_ and he can't believe how true it is. This is what love feels like.

He's watching Dan's eyes, rich deep brown, alternate between fluttering open and shut, staring at Phil and closing each time Phil rides over that sweet spot, his mouth going wider and wider in gaspy groans, tongue slipping over his lips.

Then he's wrapping an arm underneath Dan as Phil leans in to kiss him needy and urgently, wanting Dan to feel as good as Phil feels, pulling Dan in tighter to him, until bellies touch and Dan's cock rubs on his stomach, until he can feel the goosepricks of Dan's skin, little tiny bumps of his flesh, and Phil pulls for the covers, manages to half-wrap them up until Dan's pants aren't laced with tiny shivers.

Dan reaches for his own cock, pulls with one hand, the other groping at the pillow as he arcs his hips up to meet Phil, grinding at him.

“Gonna come,” Dan warns him a minute later and he's pulsing ever so tight around Phil, and Phil's rocking, sinking as deep as he can get, letting Dan ride out his orgasm with Phil in him. His face is written clear as day with absolute pleasure and his fingers clutch the pillow, go white where they squeeze.

Phil finishes only a minute later, worked up by Dan's expression of sheer bliss when he'd come. He pulls out stickily and peels off the condom, drops it in the waste bin next to his bed, presses a shaky kiss to Dan's throat.

“Okay?” He asks. Dan nods.

“I'm gonna go clean up,” Dan says, glancing down at his chest and stomach where come lies, where there's sticky cherry lube between his thighs and arse-cheeks.

Phil watches Dan wander, naked, towards the bathroom, come back a few minutes later and grab his phone off the bedside table, do something with it, grinning to himself.

Phil peers at him in curiosity, then sudden suspicion as Dan drops his phone onto the bed with a satisfied sigh and rests his head on Phil's pillow.

Phil grabs his own phone and checks Twitter and stares at Dan. “I cannot believe you just tweeted that,” he states.

Dan shrugs and grins at him, a wicked grin that says, _You wouldn't dare actually yell at me_. “Uma Thurman can judge all she wants.”

Phil shakes his head at Dan. “You're going to regret your life decisions one day, you know that?”

But he kisses Dan's cheek and Dan strokes his fingers over Phil's hair. “Sleep now. Regret later,” Dan announces.

That much, Phil can do. So he does. He sleeps with Dan pressed to him and he wakes up and is so in love with Dan the next day and hopes that this is everything he's ever waited for in his life. He thinks it really just might be.

 


End file.
